Today's thoughts.

Today was a weird day.

A new PR in the gym.. 235-pound deadlift which is up by 5 from two weeks ago. I had 240 in my grasp, but lost the mental control over it. (Plus I've been "sick," does that count for anything? :D)

That was pretty awesome.

But last night/this morning I had one of those very REAL dreams. All of my dreams are more vivid and lifelike since I've been doing the Whole 30 this month. (Wow, I'm almost done!) But this one involved my brother Justin.

I haven't dreamt about him in awhile, and usually when I do, it's some kind of scenario or situation where we only thought he died. This morning was no different. So we planned the funeral, gathered the family, and then he "woke up," gave bear hugs all around (oh, I loved those bear hugs!!), and thought it preposterous that we were planning his funeral! Then I wake up with a lonely feeling in the pit of my stomach. Every time I dream about him, I always get one of those awesome bear hugs. 

Mom also had a dream last night... and she also got a hug from Justin. These hugs are so real!!

Interesting. Not that this is completely out of the blue.

A few days ago, the 23rd, was the 2nd anniversary of his death which I didn't post about that on here. Sometimes I think the deep workings of our heart cannot really be put into words. We can't communicate the complexity of feelings we have so we sit in silence, unable to talk.

Justin and I when we were much, much younger.

At times, it seems like just yesterday we threw a bag together on that bitter cold Sunday morning and rushed out the door to Rochester, Minnesota. I don't think the car thermometer got above -20* the whole way there.

We dropped the dog off at Joel's mom and dad's, and began the journey to say goodbye.

How do you say goodbye when you weren't there? When he had already had one heart attack and was airlifted to Mayo? When you were expecting to be there for his surgery which was planned for the very next day? When he's only 25 for crying out loud?

It was the longest 4 hour drive I think I have ever sat through. And really, that was probably the longest day of my life. Once we said goodbye, we headed back to our homes.

The next few days were a haze. I know I had a wedding consultation which I booked, amazingly enough. I had lunch with some of our ministers, but the worst part is, I can only remember one of them for sure. I'm pretty sure who the other two were, but that's quite unnerving not to be positive.

The reality set in when we went home for about a week surrounding the funeral. The family, friends, and outpouring of love was astounding. I can't imagine getting through any intensely difficult time by yourself. I can only attribute my survival to the grace of God and the prayers of others for me.

Why these thoughts today? Could it be Mom and I's dreams? The Puff Daddy song on the radio this afternoon - I'll be Missing You - that reduced me to tears?

I am thankful though, that with the passing of time, there seems to be more and more sweetness of memories and les and less of the bitterness and pain of loss.

So today was interesting. Some decent success in the gym. Plus I found out I'm famous.. ;) I was featured in my gym's magazine earlier this month, and then that magazine was printed on a poster! Cool.

I also had a lovely texting conversation with one of my good friends who's like a little sister to me. :)

But then a very sobering and introspective afternoon... 

Some days I really miss my brother. I miss his positive prospective on life, his love for music, and the twinkle in his eye. Some days when I hear a really great song, a new album by Collective Soul, or even a really great singing/playing/jam session, I just stop and think how he would have loved to hear that.

I'm so thankful for the family and friends that I do have, and I love them all dearly.

This general thought has been on my mind lately: 

Source: Uploaded by user via Mariah on Pinterest

Anyway, if I am going to nip this cold in the bud, I better head off to bed. These were just a few thoughts on my mind today. Thanks for listening and have a good week. :)