Monday, January 28, 2013

Today's thoughts.

Today was a weird day.

A new PR in the gym.. 235-pound deadlift which is up by 5 from two weeks ago. I had 240 in my grasp, but lost the mental control over it. (Plus I've been "sick," does that count for anything? :D)

That was pretty awesome.

But last night/this morning I had one of those very REAL dreams. All of my dreams are more vivid and lifelike since I've been doing the Whole 30 this month. (Wow, I'm almost done!) But this one involved my brother Justin.

I haven't dreamt about him in awhile, and usually when I do, it's some kind of scenario or situation where we only thought he died. This morning was no different. So we planned the funeral, gathered the family, and then he "woke up," gave bear hugs all around (oh, I loved those bear hugs!!), and thought it preposterous that we were planning his funeral! Then I wake up with a lonely feeling in the pit of my stomach. Every time I dream about him, I always get one of those awesome bear hugs. 

Mom also had a dream last night... and she also got a hug from Justin. These hugs are so real!!

Interesting. Not that this is completely out of the blue.

A few days ago, the 23rd, was the 2nd anniversary of his death which I didn't post about that on here. Sometimes I think the deep workings of our heart cannot really be put into words. We can't communicate the complexity of feelings we have so we sit in silence, unable to talk.

Justin and I when we were much, much younger.

At times, it seems like just yesterday we threw a bag together on that bitter cold Sunday morning and rushed out the door to Rochester, Minnesota. I don't think the car thermometer got above -20* the whole way there.

We dropped the dog off at Joel's mom and dad's, and began the journey to say goodbye.

How do you say goodbye when you weren't there? When he had already had one heart attack and was airlifted to Mayo? When you were expecting to be there for his surgery which was planned for the very next day? When he's only 25 for crying out loud?

It was the longest 4 hour drive I think I have ever sat through. And really, that was probably the longest day of my life. Once we said goodbye, we headed back to our homes.

The next few days were a haze. I know I had a wedding consultation which I booked, amazingly enough. I had lunch with some of our ministers, but the worst part is, I can only remember one of them for sure. I'm pretty sure who the other two were, but that's quite unnerving not to be positive.

The reality set in when we went home for about a week surrounding the funeral. The family, friends, and outpouring of love was astounding. I can't imagine getting through any intensely difficult time by yourself. I can only attribute my survival to the grace of God and the prayers of others for me.

Why these thoughts today? Could it be Mom and I's dreams? The Puff Daddy song on the radio this afternoon - I'll be Missing You - that reduced me to tears?

I am thankful though, that with the passing of time, there seems to be more and more sweetness of memories and les and less of the bitterness and pain of loss.


So today was interesting. Some decent success in the gym. Plus I found out I'm famous.. ;) I was featured in my gym's magazine earlier this month, and then that magazine was printed on a poster! Cool.

I also had a lovely texting conversation with one of my good friends who's like a little sister to me. :)

But then a very sobering and introspective afternoon... 

Some days I really miss my brother. I miss his positive prospective on life, his love for music, and the twinkle in his eye. Some days when I hear a really great song, a new album by Collective Soul, or even a really great singing/playing/jam session, I just stop and think how he would have loved to hear that.

I'm so thankful for the family and friends that I do have, and I love them all dearly.

This general thought has been on my mind lately: 



Anyway, if I am going to nip this cold in the bud, I better head off to bed. These were just a few thoughts on my mind today. Thanks for listening and have a good week. :)

11 comments:

Jennifer said...

Lots of continued love to you and your family. I can't say I "know how you're feeling", but I've been through a lot that seems similar. I love that quote- its so very true. These experiences change us- they become part of the fabric of who we are. The goal is for us to allow them to work in us for the better- to end up a somehow better person when they do change us. Anyway, just know that I'm "here" with you, sharing, in a way, in your grief/loneliness/" recovery". Know that you, and your family, are loved. <3

Jennifer said...

Lots of continued love to you and your family. I can't say I "know how you're feeling", but I've been through a lot that seems similar. I love that quote- its so very true. These experiences change us- they become part of the fabric of who we are. The goal is for us to allow them to work in us for the better- to end up a somehow better person when they do change us. Anyway, just know that I'm "here" with you, sharing, in a way, in your grief/loneliness/" recovery". Know that you, and your family, are loved. <3

Janelle Erickson said...

Glad Kara posted a link or something to your blog on facebook...hadn't found it before. I can say I understand at least a little....Kara's mom was my sister. You loose part of yourself when you loose a sibling. I've had dreams like yours about her....I have them less often now that it's been more than 5 years. Justin was a special friend to Brandon. Hugs Janelle Erickson

The Chairman's Wife said...

When I think of Justin, my first thought is a red-cheeked, dark haired adorable little boy. Then I think of him as.a jovial big guy with a warm heart and ready smile for anyone. I'm sorry for your family's loss still but we can be thankful he's safely there.

Deirdre Remmers said...

Thank you for this Mariah. I don't like to cry, but sometimes its good to do it anyway, let it come and cleanse. And, this did make me cry!!

Mariah said...

Thanks, Jenni... at the time, it seems we resist going through these experiences. We simple humans don't do well with seeing the future. But the collection of experiences we go through changes us and molds us for the future. If I can just remember that now... Thanks for your love and support. :)

Mariah said...

Hi Janelle, I agree! On one hand, I love how realistic and lifelike those bear hugs are.. but on the other, it makes it more lonely when you awake.

Mariah said...

Thanks. :) He sure did have a warm heart and ready smile.

Aleigh said...

Beautifully written. Bear hugs to you!

Mariah said...

Just like that Puff Daddy song did to me.. ;) Love you, Mom.

Mariah said...

Thanks, Aleigh. :)

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