Risk

There has been a thought that keeps coming to me... about life in general, love, and especially lifting. I've been tossing the words around in my brain for the last month or so, but finally settled on these:

The greater the risk, the greater the chance for disappointment in failure, but also greater the depth joy in success.

In lifting terms, there's a great amount of risk to loading up heavy weight on the bar and deadlifting. The risk of failure is pretty great. There is a slight risk of hurting yourself physically. There's a risk of failing the lift and hurting your pride. But if you take the risk and succeed, your happiness is uncontrollable. Such joy.

In cooking, it's sometimes a risk to try new recipes or spice combinations. And sometimes things don't work out. But when they do, you find out you actually love green beans. And squash soup. Who knew?

In love, it's a great risk to open up your heart completely to another person. There are so many examples of heart-breaking failure. We humans get in our own way so much. We mess things up and make mistakes. There's a greater chance for disappointment. But when love works out, how wonderful and incredible it is. The joy is incomparable.


As as it applies to lifting, I have known failure. It is crushingly defeating to fail a lift that I completed the week before. But those successful days... there are few things on earth that bring that kind of elation.

And as always in life, it seems there are just enough disappointments and failures to keep us soft and compassionate of others, but enough sweetness and success to make it worth it.

I originally posted this picture a long time ago... and I still love it. :) I created the image with roflbot.

Mariah and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

.... or in other words, my birthday last week.

Let's call them birthday surprises.

Started off with a funny one: running out of toilet paper. Lovely.

Then Aunt Flo made her presence known. That bugger is always early for our appointments.

Unfortunately, that skewed things for my body fat test, measurements, etc. later that morning at the gym.

Speaking of the gym, I dropped a 65-pound, loaded bar on my shin. It was pleasant. Note to self: do NOT lose concentration at the bottom of an overhead squat.

It's still pretty painful. But, on a side note, my sweet Adistars were my early birthday present a few months ago. :) I love them.

After the gym, I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things. I stepped in a super deep puddle by accident and found out my little suede boots were the opposite of waterproof. Freezing cold, sloshy socks... brr.

And on the way home from the store, I managed to hit a massive pothole on the highway. Literally, there was a chunk of the road missing. Thankfully, I wasn't traveling highway speed because it was a bit snowy/slushy. Regardless, the tire was flat within a quarter mile, or by the time I made it down the offramp of our exit.

Thankfully, I have a hubby that loves me. He was there within 25 minutes, swapped out the snow tire/rim with one of our summer tires/rims in a couple minutes, and I was on my way home. Nothing like eating lunch at 2:30!

We also got the snow tire replaced yet that afternoon, which was great... except for the massive pothole sized dent it left in our checkbook. ;)

The rest of the day went a little bit more smoothly with only a broken lock button on my phone to finish the day off.

I might have done some lounging around in yoga pants that evening. :) And ate bacon. Hey, I'm only human.

Good thing it was my birthday... all the Facebook posts, messages, texts and the few phone calls really brightened my day. :)

And thank goodness my birthday only comes once a year! Phew!

Today's thoughts.

Today was a weird day.

A new PR in the gym.. 235-pound deadlift which is up by 5 from two weeks ago. I had 240 in my grasp, but lost the mental control over it. (Plus I've been "sick," does that count for anything? :D)

That was pretty awesome.

But last night/this morning I had one of those very REAL dreams. All of my dreams are more vivid and lifelike since I've been doing the Whole 30 this month. (Wow, I'm almost done!) But this one involved my brother Justin.

I haven't dreamt about him in awhile, and usually when I do, it's some kind of scenario or situation where we only thought he died. This morning was no different. So we planned the funeral, gathered the family, and then he "woke up," gave bear hugs all around (oh, I loved those bear hugs!!), and thought it preposterous that we were planning his funeral! Then I wake up with a lonely feeling in the pit of my stomach. Every time I dream about him, I always get one of those awesome bear hugs. 

Mom also had a dream last night... and she also got a hug from Justin. These hugs are so real!!

Interesting. Not that this is completely out of the blue.

A few days ago, the 23rd, was the 2nd anniversary of his death which I didn't post about that on here. Sometimes I think the deep workings of our heart cannot really be put into words. We can't communicate the complexity of feelings we have so we sit in silence, unable to talk.

Justin and I when we were much, much younger.

At times, it seems like just yesterday we threw a bag together on that bitter cold Sunday morning and rushed out the door to Rochester, Minnesota. I don't think the car thermometer got above -20* the whole way there.

We dropped the dog off at Joel's mom and dad's, and began the journey to say goodbye.

How do you say goodbye when you weren't there? When he had already had one heart attack and was airlifted to Mayo? When you were expecting to be there for his surgery which was planned for the very next day? When he's only 25 for crying out loud?

It was the longest 4 hour drive I think I have ever sat through. And really, that was probably the longest day of my life. Once we said goodbye, we headed back to our homes.

The next few days were a haze. I know I had a wedding consultation which I booked, amazingly enough. I had lunch with some of our ministers, but the worst part is, I can only remember one of them for sure. I'm pretty sure who the other two were, but that's quite unnerving not to be positive.

The reality set in when we went home for about a week surrounding the funeral. The family, friends, and outpouring of love was astounding. I can't imagine getting through any intensely difficult time by yourself. I can only attribute my survival to the grace of God and the prayers of others for me.

Why these thoughts today? Could it be Mom and I's dreams? The Puff Daddy song on the radio this afternoon - I'll be Missing You - that reduced me to tears?

I am thankful though, that with the passing of time, there seems to be more and more sweetness of memories and les and less of the bitterness and pain of loss.

So today was interesting. Some decent success in the gym. Plus I found out I'm famous.. ;) I was featured in my gym's magazine earlier this month, and then that magazine was printed on a poster! Cool.

I also had a lovely texting conversation with one of my good friends who's like a little sister to me. :)

But then a very sobering and introspective afternoon... 

Some days I really miss my brother. I miss his positive prospective on life, his love for music, and the twinkle in his eye. Some days when I hear a really great song, a new album by Collective Soul, or even a really great singing/playing/jam session, I just stop and think how he would have loved to hear that.

I'm so thankful for the family and friends that I do have, and I love them all dearly.

This general thought has been on my mind lately: 

Source: Uploaded by user via Mariah on Pinterest

Anyway, if I am going to nip this cold in the bud, I better head off to bed. These were just a few thoughts on my mind today. Thanks for listening and have a good week. :)

Dear Body: Thank You

After quite a few craptastic days, today was good despite a little pain on my walk this morning. Finally.

Lots of wanderings and musings lately, so here is the highlight reel even though I've been absent here on the blog:

First and foremost, my heart is going out to this young man's family. I remember the feelings and thoughts around the time of my brother's death and funeral. I remember feeling calm at first, and it wasn't until a few days later that the overwhelming ache and loss set in. You walk outside, look around, and wonder how everyone else can keep living their lives, how their worlds keep turning, when it feels like yours has stopped. I love a thought shared from the funeral that if we try to avoid pain, we end up avoiding love. That makes sense, I guess, as in order to be comforted, we have to feel that sorrow.

Pretty sure I have adrenal fatigue. This article is phenomenal. I might have actually teared up while reading it.. as it was like looking in a mirror at my very sad reflection. The fix is really only rest and de-stressing along with some additional supplementation, which I'm doing. I'm still trying to figure things out nutrition-wise too. I think I was pushing too hard (overtraining), not recovering and resting enough, while on a ketogenic (extreme low-carb) diet. Then I jumped right into my stressful busy season. It just wore my body out. Then enter injuries, a car accident to make everything worse, and everything gets messy.

So last week, I did a little experiment: rest, relaxation.... and carbs. I increased my veggie consumption by about double and added in a few low-glycemic fruits. Okay, fine. I added in one: blueberries. How did I never enjoy these before? Mm. With the holiday in there, I was able to relax a little more. Results? I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

The good, first: I can sleep! I have been able to nap again (finally!) and can fall asleep without laying there for 15 minutes. I am starting to get some mental clarity back, score! Think I am starting to get some motivation back as well. However, I also gained 4-5 pounds from the weekend (stupid, I knew better than to weigh myself). I had a hormonal/emotional crash Tuesday where I felt very out of control and thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Plus I dealt with some other hormone issues. Even yesterday was just not fun. My relaxing Sunday afternoon nap came to an abrupt halt with a nightmare about a wedding I was failing to photograph, among other emotional crazies.

So, I'm not sure if the whole carb increase was or is a good thing. I know I've been trying really hard to reduce some stress in my life... even if that means only taking the photo sessions that come my way organically from now unto the end of the season. Yikes. That's a little scary.

Sleep is of utmost priority right now, meaning I get ready for bed at 9:00pm. (Oops, it's after that!)

I have been loving Saturday's at home... going to the farmers' market, having fun with friends and family, laundry, spending time in the kitchen. So wonderful. :)

These have been a few of my favorite thoughts from Pinterest lately:

And, one final thought that was passed on to me from my lovely mom in a comment on this blog :

You're right about it being a journey. And a journey has hills, valleys, curves, and even some dead ends. Try to enjoy the journey.

So, I'm trying to appreciate this journey... for what all those hills, valleys, curves, and even the dead ends can teach me. And "even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise." You're a wise man, Victor Hugo. Maybe I'm finally starting to see that dusky pink sky right before the dawn..



Ps. Our tenant is leaving at the end of July. Nothing brings out the crazies like offering a place to rent! Yikes.

Pps. I made something incredibly super delicious the other day. Even the hubby was wowed. And yes, I took pics, so stay tuned.

Ppps. I haven't been the easiest to live with lately... so how about a pat on the back for the hubby? :)

Day 4 of "Rest"

Today is the 4th consecutive "rest day" for me.

No working out. No cardio. Just a little stretching and rolling.

And this morning, I had a massive migraine. I haven't had one this bad since the day I drove home from Iowa after Justin's funeral.

Actually, I haven't had a migraine at all since probably last summer when I really cleaned up my eating and dropped most of my weight. A migraine is usually my body's way of telling my brain to knock off the torture.


Remember that whole "taking a break" thing? I have been trying, honest!

Granted, it has been a rough last few days. Here's the highlight reel:

Last Thursday evening...

The essence of the story is my awesomeness. In other words, I'm an idiot.

Pretty sure I braced myself, which completely helps my shoulder issues. Oh? No? It makes it worse?

We just heard today that the estimate was approved by the insurance company. Good deal, since apparently for that year of Cobalt, they will total the car if the damage is greater than 71% of its value. I managed to slide in with damages at 61% of the total value.

Yikes. My poor car. Fortunately, I was "fine," the other guy was really nice about everything, and even the cop was a sweetheart. Can a guy cop be a sweetheart?

I may or may not have jumped off my chocolate bandwagon that evening. I had been chocolate-free for months. Months, I tell you!

But like I said on Facebook, sometimes this is how you make lemonade out of lemons.. ;) And sometimes, just sometimes, there are experiences in life where cussing and chocolate are required. And wrecking your favorite car ever when your husband's out of town is one of those times.

So there was that. Friday was fairly normal. Aside from, you know, fallout of an accident and spending hours on the phone with different people, housework, prepping for a wedding, and trying desperately to get caught up with proofing. I might have had 2 more squares of chocolate.

Saturday was a wedding. Sore muscles + holding a camera all day = torture. And there was Justin's birthday. Which actually came and went with a lot more "sweet" and a lot less "bitter." Also, love it when the hubby starts some projects on Saturday evening, resulting in 1:00am bedtimes. UGH.

Sunday was pretty normal, but also prepping for company. Plus a mental crash. All the lovely exhaustion of the weekend combined with this:

Oh, it was good. Grandma B makes amazing pie. But. I only ate 2/3 of the piece, and the results were nasty. Mood swings, I was "out of it" the entire afternoon, and I was feeling panicky and overwhelmed while thinking about the coming week. Definitely not a healthy stress response.

I told my darling hubby (thanks again for loving me, by the way) to remind me about that experience if I ever. want. pie. again. Seriously. It was that horrible. I have sworn off pie. Okay, well except for a bite or two of pumpkin at Thanksgiving. ;)

Monday was decent. I had a chiro treatment. Oh, that was awesome. Then normal computer work.

Or at least I thought so until today. And this nasty migraine.


So, dear body... What in the world? Why the migraine after nearly a year? Too much stress? Not enough sleep? Too much chocolate? All likely, I suppose.


Anyway, on a lighter note. I am pretty excited for the rest of this week: an ordering session, an engagement session, and my last wedding in a row on Saturday. The rest of the weddings I am photographing are a little more evenly spaced throughout the rest of the summer/fall, so that will be great.

Plus! The hubby is working around home this week. Ahh. What a wonderful break from his out-of-town work. :)

A random from last week: I hadn't worn this top since high school! So despite the facts that it's too big and horribly out of date, I wore it anyway. :)

I had so much fun grocery shopping just for myself... and then I found out the hubby would be home this week, so it was off to the grocery store again!

Well, happy Tuesday. Hope your week is off to a great start!

Why my dog hates me: blackened fish

Let me preface this first by reminding you all the extent of my knowledge of preparing blackened fish: absolutely nothing.

I take that back. I once had this amazing blackened fish over a Greek salad at this awesome restaurant called Fratello's in Appleton down by the river. That was a lot of adjectives for one sentence. Sorry.

See that? Pure awesome-ness.

So, I knew that I had amazing blackened fish once. And it was seasoned with some sort of Cajun/spicy seasoning. And it was made with some kind of white fish. Yep, that's all I knew.

I was bumming around on Pinterest (where else?!) looking for recipes to try or tips on how to make it.

Found this one, got myself some white fish just for the halibut, some Cajun seasoning and went to work. How many times before the halibut joke gets old? Now? Okay. Sigh.

Did I know anything about halibut? No. Did I know anything about a cast iron pan? No. Did I know anything about smoke detectors. Yes! I did actually already know a little something about that...

So I got to work. Is halibut a good choice? Is it a firm white fish? Sure. There's probably better ones. I still don't know. Definitely not a fish expert here.

Thawed out the filets. Gross. Stupid skin.

Heated the butter. By the way. I can pretty much eat this stuff plain. So yummy. Nutrition tip: butter is slippery. Eat as much as possible to lubricate your arteries and veins.

Got out my brand spankin' new Cajun Creole seasoning.

Mixed it together with (what else?) onion and garlic powder.

Meanwhile, I had started heating my dry pan to medium high. Yes, it was non-stick. Yes, I was scared for it's life.

I dunked each filet in butter and coated each side.

I think my pan had started to smoke at this point. Quick! Must take the picture so I can get the filets in the pan! ;)

Ready for this? Here we go!

Swirling smoke!

The site I had been reading told me to let it fry 1-2 minutes per side, until it becomes flaky. I'm a horrible judge at cooking fish. So I kind of bungled my way through this part and hoped for the best.

Flip, flip, flip, and done.

Oh, did I mention the smoke detector? Heh. The poor dog. And the poor neighbor's cats. They probably thought the house was burning down.

But oh man. Would you look at that? Just look at it.

Simply amazing.

Almost worth wrecking my pan. We'll see tomorrow morning if it's still usable. ;)


In other news, not a lot is happening..

Since I mentioned her, I might as well share these cute pics of Turbs. I don't know how she puts up with us. The hubbs snuggled her in like this. She stayed there for a good 5 minutes (and let me snap multiple pics), probably just happy he left her alone for that long! ;)

Also, last week I got to flip the tire again. So. much. fun. I can't remember if it's 425 or 450 pounds, but it's a big ol' tractor tire that sits outside the gym. And gets water inside it when it rains the day before.

I got nice and muddy... I'm considering it training for the Tough Mudder in September.

Now, I'm off to buy a cast-iron pan... and replace the batteries in our smoke detector. Who's with me?!

A Memory Lapse

Do you have memory lapses?

As in, large chunks of your life that you just don't remember?

I started to get scared in the last few weeks as it dawned on me that I literally do not remember large portions of my life during college. It isn't like it has been ages and ages ago...

Oh, I remember the big things. Getting married, meeting Justin's girlfriend for the first time, people staying at our sweet little apartment with us, buying different vehicles, locking keys in vehicles, bitter cold winters, weekends spent at both of our parents' houses, passing my Photoshop semester exam with the only 50/50 score in the history of the class, special events... the big things are easy.

But the daily life. I don't remember normal daily life.

What did I eat for breakfast? What did I do with all my time? Why did I only get together with my awesome college buddies 3-4 times during the two years I was there? Why is everything a blur? Did I even sleep at all? And then, how did I survive before coffee?

It's these little things that I wish I could remember.

As I was looking for something last week, I stumbled upon my old planners from college.

Heh. And now I understand why I don't remember the daily life. I understand why it's just a blur of madness interrupted by weekends.

5-6 classes per semester, usually in the mornings, with 2-3 shooting assignments a week. Shooting assignments included buying film, renting the Blad cameras, shooting the assignment, processing film, developing prints, completing the paperwork, and turning it in. That's assuming everything went as planned, and you didn't have to re-shoot. ;)

Then, I worked at the bank about 30-hours a week... which works out to almost every afternoon/evening and some Saturdays.

Plus, all the other "things" in life... including wedding planning in the first few months of school and then being newly married.

Wow. Crazy business. I was literally busy from 7 in the morning until midnight.

It's no wonder I could fall asleep at any given moment.

What is a wonder is how my incredible husband put up with me... :)



Anyway, I don't mean to give the impression of doom and gloom. When I think back, there are so many happy memories. Lots of love and laughter accompanied the stress. Some of the best years of my life!

It really makes me appreciate the daily life I have now. Who would have thought in just a few years, I would be setting and controlling, to an extent, my own schedule? Who would have thought I would be a business owner... for three years already?

It also makes me stop and take note every once in a while: this is what's happening. This is what your life is like. Right now. Enjoy it.

I even still keep a planner... Well, two actually. Some habits are hard to break. ;) They are mostly to keep track of how I spend my time for business purposes and for setting appointments.

But, also, so I'll be able to look back once I forget (probably will be sooner rather than later) and remember. This is what my days were like. This is what I enjoyed.

And it will make me happy.

An actual update... plus homemade HuHot!

My hubby and I love HuHot. Love it.

There's something about the endless buffet of raw foods and selection of oils and juices. Yet we always fill our bowls with the same thing. Again and again.

I did some digging around... found this recipe on Pinterest for Beef Bulgogi. I don't know what that word means, or how to even pronounce it. Plus I think the term "homemade HuHot" has a nice ring to it. :)


Homemade HuHot
...or possibly known as Stir-fry Beef and Veggies

***I updated this recipe. See the changes here!***

Anyway, I started with some "fajita" steak strips from the store. I should have probably just bought a steak and cut it myself. Laziness.

I'm not into noodles, but had some left over for the hubby to eat. He's a beef and noodle kinda-guy. These are yummy... but tend to get "pasty" if not cooked al dente.

Being mostly grain-free lately, I opted instead for veggies: shredded cabbage (which I found is quite easy to do yourself), 1/2 green pepper, 1/2 red onion, and my personal favorite, a serrano pepper.

Then I created this marinade:
1/4 cup Braggs liquid aminos
3-4 garlic cloves, chopped
1/2 cup orange juice
2 TB almond oil (supposed to use sesame)
Red pepper seasoning (I dumped quite a bit before I remembered the hubby doesn't always like things super spicy. It must have been okay because he didn't complain!)
Black pepper

I combined the marinade with the beef for about 15-20 minutes.

Started up my pans with some coconut oil, which is great for frying, and popped in my meat and veggies once they were hot.

It didn't take long for the meat to get done cooking, so I took out the beef strips and dropped in the noodles to give them a "fried" flavor/texture.

... and done!

Quite simple... and very quick! I've decided this will be my new go-to meal from now on. And it didn't even include cheese. hah!

Oh, for the love of HuHot... Mm.

-------------------------------------  -------------------------------------

In other news, we got rid of our Bonneville and replaced it with a Chevy Cobalt (turbo-charged) SS, 5-speed. It's quite the zippy little car, and it's been fun to renew my love affair with driving a manual again.

We're going to have to work something up with the headrests though. These forward-reaching headrests mess with my bun-head!

I'm really looking forward to a photography convention this weekend. I could sure use some refreshing, renewing, and inspiration photography-wise.

I'm finally getting my mojo back as far as working out goes. I've felt strong this whole week, my hips haven't really bothered me too much, and most of the "pain" I'm feeling lately has been more "sore-from-a-hard-workout" rather than straight up pain like before. I actually worked out with my trainer today, which was a blast. I may or may not have kicked his butt in our WOD. ;) Hello, overhead squats, burpees, kettlebell swings, and running!

Also, I just committed to something pretty huge coming up in September for which I'm super excited! More details to come later... :)

Step Away From the Garlic! #cookingfail

Well, I had a couple of really good ideas for supper the last few nights...

But alas, my luck in the kitchen has temporarily ran out!

I wanted to make blue-cheese-stuffed beef burgers, which I got the idea for from Pinterest. (http://www.simplyscratch.com/2011/08/black-and-bleu-burger.html)

I even made the little dips in the meat for the cheese.

Mmm. Blue cheese.

And then, I fried it in bacon grease.

It should have been amazing. Could have been amazing.

Unfortunately, the cheese started running out. I got scared all my precious blue cheese was disappearing before my eyes. And I was hungry. I don't like waiting for food! So I took the burgers out while they were still rare. Quite rare. Eek.

I served 'em up with bacon, and we ate them. Next time, I think I'll just make a blue cheese sauce to put on the burgers and bacon. Lesson learned.

By the way, is it blue cheese? Or bleu cheese? I think the second sounds a bit pretentious. Or like I'm trying to sound cultured.




Next up: *GARLIC* Cilantro-Lime Pesto Tacos

Heh. Garlic.

I found this one through Pinterest again, so here's the original link: http://joelens.blogspot.com/2010/05/cilantro-lime-chicken-tacos.html

I kind of winged it, because I didn't have asiago and had used up nearly all my Parmesan a few nights ago. Sigh. I'm just a once-a-week grocery shopper, so don't judge.

Plus, I found out my "organic" chicken broth that I had in the cupboard contained MSG. Oh, sorry. Autolyzed yeast extract. Same thing. Annoying.

So, this is how the recipe looked after a few of my changes:

1 cup fresh cilantro leaves (no stems)
2 1/2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons chopped almonds
3 tablespoons chopped, fresh garlic (or was that 6-8 cloves?)
Lime juice
Parmesan.. what little I had left, plus
Feta
Salt
Chicken broth powder
"Some" flax meal, because that makes anything better
Water as needed, to thin out the sauce

Holy heartburn. Do not use this much garlic.

Mmm. Feta. I'm convinced this is much like bacon. It makes everything better. And then you can mix bacon and feta. And turkey. And that's another post for another day. ;)

A "dump" of olive oil. I think that should be a technical measuring term. Along with "some."

You have no idea how worried I was that this was going to splatter on my camera. Ps. this is your brain on Hulu Plus!

I didn't have anything fancy for meat, so this is just turkey burger, prepared with lime juice (definitely WILL do that again! Wow.), and a bit of cumin and chilli powder.

Just enough to heat the sauce.

And it's go time.

And you  are definitely right if you think I added more cheese and cottage cheese to that bowl after I snapped that.



So.... lessons learned this week.

Stuffed burgers? Cook longer. Or don't stuff them.

More isn't always better. Step away from the garlic, sister!

I might add, both meals were very tasty, despite my slight mishaps. :) And my hubby is quite the trooper!

Now, hopefully this heartburn is gone by morning... urp! Ugh. :P