Risk

There has been a thought that keeps coming to me... about life in general, love, and especially lifting. I've been tossing the words around in my brain for the last month or so, but finally settled on these:

The greater the risk, the greater the chance for disappointment in failure, but also greater the depth joy in success.

In lifting terms, there's a great amount of risk to loading up heavy weight on the bar and deadlifting. The risk of failure is pretty great. There is a slight risk of hurting yourself physically. There's a risk of failing the lift and hurting your pride. But if you take the risk and succeed, your happiness is uncontrollable. Such joy.

In cooking, it's sometimes a risk to try new recipes or spice combinations. And sometimes things don't work out. But when they do, you find out you actually love green beans. And squash soup. Who knew?

In love, it's a great risk to open up your heart completely to another person. There are so many examples of heart-breaking failure. We humans get in our own way so much. We mess things up and make mistakes. There's a greater chance for disappointment. But when love works out, how wonderful and incredible it is. The joy is incomparable.


As as it applies to lifting, I have known failure. It is crushingly defeating to fail a lift that I completed the week before. But those successful days... there are few things on earth that bring that kind of elation.

And as always in life, it seems there are just enough disappointments and failures to keep us soft and compassionate of others, but enough sweetness and success to make it worth it.

I originally posted this picture a long time ago... and I still love it. :) I created the image with roflbot.

Today's thoughts.

Today was a weird day.

A new PR in the gym.. 235-pound deadlift which is up by 5 from two weeks ago. I had 240 in my grasp, but lost the mental control over it. (Plus I've been "sick," does that count for anything? :D)

That was pretty awesome.

But last night/this morning I had one of those very REAL dreams. All of my dreams are more vivid and lifelike since I've been doing the Whole 30 this month. (Wow, I'm almost done!) But this one involved my brother Justin.

I haven't dreamt about him in awhile, and usually when I do, it's some kind of scenario or situation where we only thought he died. This morning was no different. So we planned the funeral, gathered the family, and then he "woke up," gave bear hugs all around (oh, I loved those bear hugs!!), and thought it preposterous that we were planning his funeral! Then I wake up with a lonely feeling in the pit of my stomach. Every time I dream about him, I always get one of those awesome bear hugs. 

Mom also had a dream last night... and she also got a hug from Justin. These hugs are so real!!

Interesting. Not that this is completely out of the blue.

A few days ago, the 23rd, was the 2nd anniversary of his death which I didn't post about that on here. Sometimes I think the deep workings of our heart cannot really be put into words. We can't communicate the complexity of feelings we have so we sit in silence, unable to talk.

Justin and I when we were much, much younger.

At times, it seems like just yesterday we threw a bag together on that bitter cold Sunday morning and rushed out the door to Rochester, Minnesota. I don't think the car thermometer got above -20* the whole way there.

We dropped the dog off at Joel's mom and dad's, and began the journey to say goodbye.

How do you say goodbye when you weren't there? When he had already had one heart attack and was airlifted to Mayo? When you were expecting to be there for his surgery which was planned for the very next day? When he's only 25 for crying out loud?

It was the longest 4 hour drive I think I have ever sat through. And really, that was probably the longest day of my life. Once we said goodbye, we headed back to our homes.

The next few days were a haze. I know I had a wedding consultation which I booked, amazingly enough. I had lunch with some of our ministers, but the worst part is, I can only remember one of them for sure. I'm pretty sure who the other two were, but that's quite unnerving not to be positive.

The reality set in when we went home for about a week surrounding the funeral. The family, friends, and outpouring of love was astounding. I can't imagine getting through any intensely difficult time by yourself. I can only attribute my survival to the grace of God and the prayers of others for me.

Why these thoughts today? Could it be Mom and I's dreams? The Puff Daddy song on the radio this afternoon - I'll be Missing You - that reduced me to tears?

I am thankful though, that with the passing of time, there seems to be more and more sweetness of memories and les and less of the bitterness and pain of loss.

So today was interesting. Some decent success in the gym. Plus I found out I'm famous.. ;) I was featured in my gym's magazine earlier this month, and then that magazine was printed on a poster! Cool.

I also had a lovely texting conversation with one of my good friends who's like a little sister to me. :)

But then a very sobering and introspective afternoon... 

Some days I really miss my brother. I miss his positive prospective on life, his love for music, and the twinkle in his eye. Some days when I hear a really great song, a new album by Collective Soul, or even a really great singing/playing/jam session, I just stop and think how he would have loved to hear that.

I'm so thankful for the family and friends that I do have, and I love them all dearly.

This general thought has been on my mind lately: 

Source: Uploaded by user via Mariah on Pinterest

Anyway, if I am going to nip this cold in the bud, I better head off to bed. These were just a few thoughts on my mind today. Thanks for listening and have a good week. :)

Today. 06.16.2012

A while back, I read this blog post about a woman who lost her father at 39.

She titled it "Why am I so passionate about real food?"

On her dad's birthday, what would have been her dad's 47th birthday, she wrote this on her Facebook status:

Do you think that what you eat doesn't really matter? Or maybe you're meaning to start eating healthier, but you keep putting it off? Can't seem to make time for exercise? Think it's all not really a big deal? When you see me talking about cleaning up my diet, do you think I've taken it just a little too far? When I tell you I don't feed my kids sugar or grains, do you really think I've gone off the deep end??? Does it make you uncomfortable when you hear about the risks of eating fake food and not exercising? Are you feeling uncomfortable right now, reading this status?

Good. I hope you are feeling uncomfortable. I hope you're feeling uncomfortable enough to DO something about it. Because you know what else is uncomfortable? Missing your dad. Watching his favorite team win the NCAA championship without him. Knowing you'll never get to introduce your kids to him, at least not this side of heaven. My dad should be turning 47 today. But instead we lost him to obesity at the too-young age of 39.

Please don't make the same mistake. Please don't think that it doesn't matter, that it won't happen to you, that you have plenty of time left. Your family needs you. Please honor my dad today and think about what kind of changes you can make to be healthier. You don't have to change it all at once. Take baby steps. Do a couple of things at a time. But please, don't keep putting it off. Do it for you, do it for me, do it for your family.

Then she wrote this in her blog post:

Does that seem somewhat inappropriate? Would it still feel inappropriate if my dad had died from lung cancer, and I was pleading with you to stop smoking? What if he had died in an auto accident, and I was spreading the word about how seatbelts and car seats save lives? Would it be okay for me to spread those message? Why is it different just because I'm talking about food? Fake food kills. Obesity kills. And I'm going to keep sharing that message with as many people as I can.

It really set me back a little.


So. Today. June 16, 2012.

My brother would have been 27 years old. Justin Ray Remmers.

I know some people question the intensity of the changes I have made in my life. Why? Why get so drastic? Why put so much time and effort in? There are so many other important things to life! Taking care of your body is just going to end at the grave anyway.

Right?

But isn't it worth it to take care of what you have while you have it?

Isn't it worth it to live a long, healthy life with those you care about?

Isn't it worth it to live past your 26th birthday?


I loved my brother dearly... I wish I could go back in time and simply tell him that. I don't remember actually having done that. There are things I wish I could say. He truly was a gem. A teddybear of a guy who would do anything for the people he loved. He always was the life of the party, the center of conversations, and a charismatic presence in the room where he was.

I love the memories I have of him. I wish that I could lock them up somehow, safe from the attack of my fading memory.

And so, my wish for you is this. Take things seriously. Get a grip on your health. Live long enough for those around you to enjoy you.

Since I am already on my soap box, I might as well forge full speed ahead. The biggest complaint I seem to hear, is that you do not have time. No time to exercise, no time to eat right, no time to get a good night's sleep. Really? No time?

Bull.

Because you know who actually doesn't have time? Justin.

Everyone else who has died an early death due to heart disease. They don't have the time.

And maybe you truly don't have time to exercise. I find it hard to believe that you cannot steal even 15-20 minutes out of a 24-hour day. But, let's say you have special circumstances and a plateful of responsibilities that prevent you.

Source: hellifignaw.blogspot.com via Mariah on Pinterest

Fine. You still have to eat, don't you? Start taking that seriously then. Eat the foods that sustain you, while providing you the most nutritional benefit. Cut out the processed crap. Eat another burger instead of the bun. Learn more about the SAD (Standard American Diet), eg. that little plate illustration that Michelle Obama came up with... and then look at how that way of eating has "helped" us. Rising obesity rates, chronic inflammation, disease, etc, etc.


There are ways to become healthy. Educate yourself. Take the time.

Because someday you might not have time.

A day for memories...

Anyone else think they need a day off to recover from a holiday? *raises hand*

Tuesday was brutal! It could have just been the fact Monday I was up and going for 18 hours. Must be getting old.. I am really not used to that anymore. Or the fact that I had to do Monday grocery shopping on Tuesday. Which means I spend a good portion of the day cooking as well. Plus I did laundry. Plus I figured I should probably get some actual photog work done. ;)

Or my crazy hard workout wiped me out Tuesday morning right from the start. *whine* A deadlifting pyramid, which honestly was really fun. I reached my old PR at the top, 205. Apparently that is a good thing. Someday I am going to deadlift for weight again, and blow 205 out of the water. I will be sure to let you know. ;)

Then I did a fun "little" squat-clean plus elevated pushups WOD that took me a whopping 21:40 and left me all scraped up. My squat-cleans got a little sloppy. And although now I might blame it on hormones and lack of sleep, this is the second or third time EVER in my short history of working out that I wanted to cry. I think I assumed "the official CrossFit recovery position" for about 10 minutes afterwards. And then ran intervals. :/

Gasp. Don't look now. I'm showing shoulder skin.

Anyway, it was a pretty normal weekend before the holiday, which I loved and soaked up every minute of it. I am now staring at four weekends of photographing weddings in the face.

I would not trade Monday for anything, though. This Memorial Day was very, very nice. We got to see so many people... Lovely friends. It brought back all these good memories of our few years living in the Waterloo/Cedar Falls area of Iowa.

We had lunch with one of my best friends from college... I love this girl! :)

It was very enjoyable relaxing and being a guest at a wedding rather than being the photographer... but I couldn't resist taking a picture or two. :)

Just a little glimpse of their quirky humor... their programs were adorable, as were the little guest sheets that we filled out. Lots of cute details.

Ugh. I swear we cannot take a decent picture.. do we look like we had been awake since 4:30 that morning? My eyes look glazed. No donuts, honest!

This one is a little better... of me, especially. That is what matters, right? Never mind his ADD was kicking in. I should have had them take another one after I looked at it. Oh well.

This is what the dress looks like... I actually went shopping for a dress for a wedding. Score! Does anyone else take pictures of themselves in dressing rooms and text it to their husband/mom for approval? ;) Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

Then, after the wedding, we stopped by my brother's bench in George Wyth Memorial Park.

It was great to just sit and remember a little..

But, we had to get on the road back to Wisconsin, so couldn't stay too long.

Isn't this a sweet clouds shot? Thanks, iPhone-tography and Photoshop Express! :)

I know our Memorial Day wasn't filled with picnics, grilling out, and parades, but it was good just the same. It was refreshing to see so many familiar faces and very heart-warming to be back in Iowa again, even if it was just for a few hours. That probably was the perfect amount of time, actually. I do love me some Wisconsin! ;)

Hope you had a great holiday weekend as well.. and remembered the true meaning of Memorial Day.
This truly is the land of the free because of the brave. And I am so grateful for that!

My personal fitness journey: Interview

A while ago, I was asked to do an interview by Eat Fat, Get Fit on Facebook. I sat down and wrote out a long rambling account of my fitness journey, as it has been so far. The author of the blog edited it down a little, and put it up on his blog with some pictures scattered throughout.

So, if you're wondering about the "motivation" that got me going and my personal process to losing weight this far, please feel free to check that out here: "Interview with Mariah"

Please note: I included "ab" images of myself to prove my point about being lean. Please either don't view this post or refrain from commenting if you're not okay with that. I have worked hard to get to this point and have zero tolerance for disrespect. Mmkay. Back to nice Mariah. :)


Eventually, I will be adding a few more pages to this blog as well. I want to put up the long version of my fitness journey, my thought process about exercise in general, my take on Paleo/primal, and maybe even a page of "benchmarks" of where I am at strength-wise. The last one would be more for me though. :)

Anything else you would like to see on here?

An arrow.

This speaks to me. Like more than old school Linkin Park lyrics. Remember when they used to rap with their songs?

Wow.

The Hidden Blessing

I sat down to play some hymns before our Bible study tonight. As I was flipping through the pages, this title jumped out at me. 'The Hidden Blessing.'

Hadn't ever played that one before. I started to sight read through it, and it wasn't long before I was in tears, unable to play. What a beautiful message there is about the hidden blessing.



"When deep distress and sorrow weigh upon me,
My Savior gives me courage for to see;
In every thorn that's scattered o'er my pathway,
Some hidden blessing for eternity.

And when I wait upon the God of Heaven,
On eagle's wings I rise above it all;
Then I shall run and not be weak or weary,
I'll walk His way and neither faint nor fall.

--

The hour of pain and suffering oft produces,
What we would miss if all were calm and fair;
As spices left unbroken have no savour,
But crushed and bruised, their fragrance fills the air.

And in the mountain where the tempest rages,
Roots of the oak strike deeper to endure;
So shall the storms that beat across life's pathway,
Just help to set my purpose more secure.

--

Oh, Master, give me grace to bear the burden,
And not to shrink from suffering meant for me;
But grant the faith and patience for accepting,
Whate're it takes to bring me nearer Thee.

Could I but see that in the darkest hour,
There is a precious opportunity;
For that's the hour by graciously enduring,
My spirit can bring glory unto Thee."